Remembering

February 22, 2006

Dear Baby,

Today marks two years since the morning I woke up with the horrible certainty, after six days of agonizing wondering, that you were not going to be born into our family the following September. I will never forget that day or the way that I felt and I will never forget you.

I woke at three in the morning to the unmistakable sign of miscarriage, the one every pregnant woman dreads. I had been alerted to the possibility of this several days earlier, not long after a sonogram that did not show what it should have shown. The sonogram itself did not worry me much because I thought it was a little early to be doing one anyway but I knew something was wrong a few days later. For six days, I watched and worried, rested and prayed. During that time, your Daddy called from Kuwait where he had been deployed 10 days earlier in preparation for going to Iraq. I was able to tell him my concerns and warn him of what might happen to you. He told me to take it easy. I was glad he knew and could pray for me and you.

Your older sister and brother and I were staying at Mimi and Grandpa’s house in Bristol since Daddy had gone back to Germany after Christmas and we weren’t going to move back into our home until March. Mimi and Grandpa got up with me and Grandpa called Dr. Andy, our family doctor. Even though he was not on call, he listened and answered my questions over the phone through my tears. When I was ready to hang up, I told him I was sorry (about calling him in the middle of the night.) I will never forget what he said back. He said, “I’m sorry, too.” It wasn’t anything profound really, but I could hear the compassion in his voice and I knew that as soon as he hung up, he and his wife, Deaun, would be praying for us.

February 22, 2004 was a Sunday and I stayed on Mimi and Grandpa’s couch while most of the family went to church. After church, our pastor’s wife, Mrs. Sharon Leuzinger, came over to see me. She had suffered two miscarriages and knew what I was feeling. She read a few comforting Scriptures and prayed with me. Over the next few days, many others shared their stories of babies they never got to welcome into their homes and many sent cards, food, and even flowers. Of course, remembering that God is sovereign and that He wanted you to be with Him in heaven now, instead of many years later after living through the trials and toils of this earthly life, was a comfort as well. I also hugged Alley and Liam alot!

The only way I could let Daddy know about losing you was to send a Red Cross message since he was in Kuwait and possibly already traveling by convoy into Iraq. The mesage was finally sent on Monday afternoon after the Red Cross people were able to verify it with the doctor. Just a couple hours later, my cell phone rang and it was Daddy. We were only able to talk about 5 minutes on a satellite phone but I was glad he knew and he was glad that I had so many people around me to take care of me and help me when he could not be here.

You were due to be born on September 19, 2004. We knew Daddy was not scheduled to leave Iraq until March of 2005 but when I was expecting you, we were all praying that the Stop Loss would be lifted and that Daddy might be back home with us before you came. That was not God’s plan and even though it doesn’t make sense to us, we know that His way is best.

It was a hard adjustment to have a pregnancy end without a baby in my arms. I struggled for awile, especially dealing with Daddy’s deployment at the very same time. It was a hard few months but all I could do was trust God. Daddy came home for a short time in the summer of 2004 and we soon learned that we were expecting another little one. It was a blessing but it was strange to know that we could only have this baby because we did not have you. You have a little sister and she is a fireball! She was born May 3, 2005 and her name is Dresden. She was a quiet, calm baby for the first few months of her life but now, at almost 10 months old, she is into everything! Sometimes when I look at her, I am reminded that God determined who would be born here and who wouldn’t. In my human understanding, I don’t know why we never got to see you, hold you, or kiss your sweet face. But I do know that God loves you and God loves us and someday we will get to see you but for now, I will rest knowing that Jesus is holding you and kissing your sweet face.

I love you and miss you,
Mommy

Advertisements

6 Responses to “Remembering”

  1. Dad said

    Tara,

    Sweet girl, I finished reading your post through tears. Reading it brought back all the pain and sorrow of that day. Second to the loss itself, the hardest part for me was watching you suffering, especially without Michael here with you. I remember praying with you outside and am glad we got to grieve together, cry together, and pray together. We can rejoice in the consolations we have that Dresden is here and that Baby is not lost for all eternity, but someone we will meet and know later. I love you so very much.

  2. Mom said

    Dearest Tara, I cannot really say it any better than Dad just did. I will never forget that time in our lives. You captured it so well in your blog. It is exciting to know that we have a family member to meet for the first time when we get to heaven. As I was reliving it all through tears as I read your blog, I was so grateful to God for His sovereignty, and our being able to trust that He knows what we need. Thank you for the precious memorial and reminder of our 3rd grandchild. I am very grateful for our little fire ball,
    Dresden, and it is wonderful to know that God is the one in control of our lives. Because we would make so many mistakes if we were in charge. Because we don’t know the future as He does. What a precious mother’s love shines through your blog to that precious little one that we didn’t get to meet, yet. I love you so much and am so thankful that you are the mother of 4 of our precious grandchildren. They are blessed to have you as their mother. Thank you for your blog. It was good, yet very sad, to remember.
    Much love, Mom

  3. janahttp://www.barkerhappenings.blogspot.com said

    Tara,

    Thank you for reminding us all of this little one we were not able to meet here on this earth, but look forward to meeting someday in heaven.

    I am so thankful the Lord blessed you (and all of us) with Dresden, but I am so sorry for the loss you experienced. Again, it is a comfort to trust in God’s plan, even when we CANNOT understand. I love you, I love this little one and I love Dresden!

  4. J. Michael Branson said

    It’s still hard for me to think about this because I will never be able to change the fact that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I find that the older I get, the less I truly understand about life under the sun, but this much I do know without doubt or question: Though HE slay me yet shall I praise HIM. I don’t need to understand it all in order to live my life in such a way that glorifies my Savior. In fact, nothing glorifies Him more I think than trusting when we don’t understand fully. Yes, we should mourn the loss, but we must do so knowing that though we mourn, we mourn with hope, knowing that in CHRIST, goodbye is not the end because everything that GOD promises is true indeed…

  5. Aunt Heidihttp://guinan.blogspot.com said

    Tara,
    I already told you that Jana and I happened to read this post together and we cried together as we read your loving words to your baby.

    I thought about you many, many times the night that I thought I was losing my baby, too. Even the fear of the pain is as close to unbearable as it can get, without God breaking His promise to not give us anything we cannot bear. I know this pain was a reality for you…I cannot truly imagine. It is incredibly hard to understand why God ordains as He does, but I can just say I am glad He gave us (as Jeph would say) “Dresdy-boo”!

    I cannot wait to meet your baby and our family member who never once had to experience the pain and suffering of this world. Love you.

  6. buzz said

    I found your blog while doing a search for a friend in Bristol…

    I was very touched. Thank you for sharing a difficult part of your life. Sometimes we get to know Jesus by experiencing his resurrection power, and other times through “the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings.” I am sorry for your loss.

    As I read comments from your family I am thankful that you having a loving support network.

    Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our suffering, so that we may be able to comfort others in all their suffering, since we ourselves are being comforted by God. For just as Christ’s sufferings overflow to us, so our comfort overflows through Christ.
    (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

    May the God of comfort bless you and your family

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: